1 00:00:01,272 --> 00:00:03,703 Daddy, want to see the picture I drew for school 2 00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,475 of the first Thanksgiving? 3 00:00:05,476 --> 00:00:07,477 Sure. I got plenty of time. 4 00:00:07,478 --> 00:00:09,109 It's not like I'm worried about the breakfast 5 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:13,083 your mother slaved over getting cold. 6 00:00:13,084 --> 00:00:16,516 Would you give me a break? I'm gonna be cooking for eight hours on Thursday. 7 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,620 Honey, today's Tuesday. You need two days' rest to work eight hours? 8 00:00:20,791 --> 00:00:23,553 Are they hiring where you work? 9 00:00:23,554 --> 00:00:26,557 Yeah, don't bother. My boss only likes blondes. 10 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:30,801 Why are you hovering? 11 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:33,803 My picture? 12 00:00:33,804 --> 00:00:37,207 Oh, your picture. Yes, look at that. That's sweet. 13 00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:40,111 You got the pilgrim shaking hands with the Indian... 14 00:00:40,711 --> 00:00:42,243 Watching TV. 15 00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,315 It's a computer. 16 00:00:45,316 --> 00:00:47,278 They're ordering a turkey online. 17 00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:51,781 Oh. Okay, I see that. It's plugged into Plymouth Rock. 18 00:00:51,782 --> 00:00:53,123 Oh. 19 00:00:53,124 --> 00:00:54,554 Here's mine. Okay. 20 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:58,388 It's a lady Indian putting her Thanksgiving groceries 21 00:00:58,389 --> 00:01:00,090 in her minivan. Oh. 22 00:01:00,091 --> 00:01:03,563 And that's Paris Hilton looking down from her jet. 23 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,836 Jim, I'm thinking you should buy a boat with the college fund 24 00:01:06,837 --> 00:01:09,369 'cause it don't look like it's happening. 25 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:13,803 Scooch! Give me some room. 26 00:01:13,804 --> 00:01:17,177 Girls, the pilgrims did not have everything that we have today. 27 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,579 They had to grow their own food. 28 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,281 They had to hunt with bows and arrows. 29 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,814 They had to make their own clothes, kind of like strict hippies. 30 00:01:25,456 --> 00:01:27,717 I'm glad we don't have to do that now. 31 00:01:27,718 --> 00:01:29,789 We'd starve to death. Mmm-hmm. 32 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,692 No, we wouldn't. Daddy would hunt us a turkey. 33 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,265 (ALL LAUGHING) 34 00:01:36,727 --> 00:01:38,598 Is that adorable? 35 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:39,829 What are you talking about, adorable? 36 00:01:39,830 --> 00:01:42,332 It's true. I could do it. 37 00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:43,833 Girls, when it comes to getting food, 38 00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:46,477 your dad's pretty much useless, unless there's a drive thru. 39 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,209 Don't listen to her. 40 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,610 She doesn't know what she's talking about. 41 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,212 If I had to, I could go out there 42 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,113 and bag a turkey like that. 43 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,615 Oh, really? When have you ever hunted? 44 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,218 I bagged you, didn't I? 45 00:02:00,151 --> 00:02:02,393 And if you were any smaller, I'd have to throw you back. 46 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:05,755 (HORN HONKING) 47 00:02:05,756 --> 00:02:07,597 CHERYL: School bus. 48 00:02:07,598 --> 00:02:08,828 All right, nice job, girls. 49 00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:11,501 Hey, have fun in prison. Oh, Andy. 50 00:02:11,502 --> 00:02:12,902 CHERYL: Love you. Love you. 51 00:02:12,903 --> 00:02:15,765 Have a good day at school, girls. Love you to tears. 52 00:02:15,766 --> 00:02:18,208 I can't believe you two! What? 53 00:02:18,209 --> 00:02:20,470 I can't believe you actually insinuated 54 00:02:20,471 --> 00:02:23,513 in front of my children that I could not provide for them! 55 00:02:23,514 --> 00:02:25,845 Honey! I just said you weren't a hunter. 56 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:30,920 I am a hunter! I'm a natural born hunter! I'm a caveman! 57 00:02:30,921 --> 00:02:35,154 You could drop me off in the middle of Antarctica, and I would survive. 58 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,228 Cheryl, I know a guy. We could do this. 59 00:02:38,229 --> 00:02:40,830 Oh. Come on! The closest you ever came to hunting 60 00:02:40,831 --> 00:02:42,292 was when you poked around in the grass for a hot dog 61 00:02:42,293 --> 00:02:44,434 that rolled off the grill. 62 00:02:44,435 --> 00:02:48,167 All I'm saying is, if I had to do it, I could do it. 63 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,871 Actually, Jim, I know a place where you can go and hunt your own turkey. 64 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:54,504 I'm all ears. It's just across state line. 65 00:02:54,505 --> 00:02:57,207 Yeah, yeah, they stock the woods full of wild turkeys 66 00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:59,379 and supply you with your own crossbow. 67 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,551 Really? No, no, no, Jim! 68 00:03:01,552 --> 00:03:03,453 You've never even used a crossbow. 69 00:03:03,454 --> 00:03:07,287 Cheryl, please. I've seen Braveheart three times. 70 00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,460 I think I know my way around a crossbow, okay? 71 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,522 Okay, you're not seriously thinking about... 72 00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,394 I'm done thinking. Forget it. 73 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,426 My primal instincts have just kicked in. 74 00:03:16,427 --> 00:03:20,230 Tomorrow, I hunt, I feast, 75 00:03:20,231 --> 00:03:21,402 then I breed. 76 00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:30,611 JIM: Oh, baby! 77 00:03:34,645 --> 00:03:37,317 Hey, it's nice to meet you. We'll see you out there. 78 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:40,351 Hey, check out this hat I got in the gift shop. 79 00:03:41,592 --> 00:03:44,594 Can you believe it was on sale? 80 00:03:44,595 --> 00:03:46,597 You look like Elmer Fudd. 81 00:03:47,998 --> 00:03:50,660 Now, to entice a bird within shooting range, 82 00:03:50,661 --> 00:03:53,763 you want to make a few soft clucks on your turkey call. 83 00:03:53,764 --> 00:03:55,605 Let's all try it together. 84 00:03:55,606 --> 00:03:56,767 (CLUCKING) 85 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,712 One last thing. While you're hunting, 86 00:04:02,713 --> 00:04:04,844 keep an eye out for angry Pete, 87 00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:07,477 the meanest, nastiest bird in these woods. 88 00:04:07,478 --> 00:04:09,649 Some say he's just a legend. 89 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,452 Ah, he's no legend. 90 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,760 He's 40 pounds of feathered fury, he is, 91 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:25,295 with 3-inch flesh-ripping spurs, 92 00:04:25,296 --> 00:04:26,667 and he likes to use them. 93 00:04:27,638 --> 00:04:29,038 (SHUDDERS) 94 00:04:29,039 --> 00:04:31,741 Andy, relax. This old drunk's just part of the show. 95 00:04:31,742 --> 00:04:33,344 Who said that? 96 00:04:37,648 --> 00:04:39,649 Is this just part of the show? 97 00:04:39,650 --> 00:04:40,851 Oh! 98 00:04:42,012 --> 00:04:44,784 Oh, good God! 99 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,717 Oh! Hey, you mind closing the curtain there? 100 00:04:47,718 --> 00:04:51,060 I'm starting to taste my waffles again. 101 00:04:51,061 --> 00:04:55,895 So remember, keep an eye out for angry Pete. 102 00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,067 (CHUCKLES) 103 00:04:59,930 --> 00:05:02,533 Why don't they put an olive or a marble in there or something? 104 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:08,538 All right, people, find your hunting guides, and let's head out. 105 00:05:08,539 --> 00:05:10,540 These birds are happy and free. 106 00:05:10,541 --> 00:05:12,413 They ain't gonna kill themselves. 107 00:05:14,044 --> 00:05:15,386 (TURKEY CALL CLUCKING) 108 00:05:18,549 --> 00:05:20,520 Oh, this is stupid! What? 109 00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,393 Guides and gift shops 110 00:05:23,394 --> 00:05:25,425 and old men with patches. 111 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,757 You know what? The cavemen never hunted like this. 112 00:05:27,758 --> 00:05:31,101 No, if we were real men, we'd go out there naked with clubs. 113 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:36,906 Hey, we'd all love to run around the forest naked, 114 00:05:36,907 --> 00:05:39,509 okay, but there are a lot of hunters in those woods, 115 00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:41,011 and parts of me look like a turkey. 116 00:05:45,075 --> 00:05:49,449 Besides, that angry Pete seems kinda scary. 117 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:50,930 Not as scary as what you just told me. 118 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,755 You know what? Hmm? 119 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,387 Let's ditch these guys. 120 00:05:57,388 --> 00:05:59,459 Let's go hunt like real men. 121 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,730 I'll tell you what we'll do. 122 00:06:00,731 --> 00:06:01,991 We'll go out there with them, 123 00:06:01,992 --> 00:06:03,663 then you fall down to the ground 124 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:04,994 you know, fake like you had a heart attack. 125 00:06:04,995 --> 00:06:07,667 And during the hubbub, I'll sneak away. 126 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:08,968 And when the paramedics come, 127 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,740 let 'em hit you once with the paddles, 128 00:06:10,741 --> 00:06:13,142 get up, say, "Hey, thanks for saving my life," 129 00:06:13,143 --> 00:06:15,045 and then sneak off and try to find me. 130 00:06:19,149 --> 00:06:20,781 Or we could just go that way. 131 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,884 Yeah. Okay. 132 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,558 But you know what? I wanna try that plan some day. 133 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,762 You want to know which part looks like a turkey? No! 134 00:06:34,565 --> 00:06:36,025 (TURKEY CALL CLUCKING) 135 00:06:36,026 --> 00:06:38,928 Turkey fun fact number 13, Jim. 136 00:06:38,929 --> 00:06:41,701 The first meal eaten on the moon by Neil Armstrong? 137 00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,633 Roast turkey in a foil packet. 138 00:06:43,634 --> 00:06:45,134 (CHUCKLES) 139 00:06:45,135 --> 00:06:47,907 Well, I guess we don't need these crossbows. 140 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,780 'Cause you're gonna bore the birds to death! 141 00:06:50,781 --> 00:06:53,443 Oh, well, I'm sorry, but I'm cold, 142 00:06:53,444 --> 00:06:55,114 I'm tired, and to top it all off, 143 00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,888 later, I get to squat over a mirror and do a tick check. 144 00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:00,950 Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were cold. 145 00:07:00,951 --> 00:07:02,453 And a girl! 146 00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:04,694 Why don't you just prance on back 147 00:07:04,695 --> 00:07:06,055 to your little guide? 148 00:07:06,056 --> 00:07:08,658 Did it ever occur to you that they call them guides 149 00:07:08,659 --> 00:07:10,530 because they guide you to the birds? 150 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,532 Oh, shut up! No, you shut up! 151 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,933 No, you shut up! Shut your mouth right now! 152 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,034 You know what? 153 00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:17,006 I really wish there was an angry Pete 154 00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:19,540 so he could slash me to ribbons and put me out of my misery! 155 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,672 You may get your wish. 156 00:07:22,673 --> 00:07:25,214 Oh, no! I don't want to die like this, Jim! I want to live! 157 00:07:25,215 --> 00:07:26,676 Just fire! 158 00:07:26,677 --> 00:07:28,818 Go back to hell where you came from! 159 00:07:28,819 --> 00:07:29,950 Reload. 160 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:31,951 (BOTH GRUNTING) 161 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,653 Damn it, this sucks! 162 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,085 How did Braveheart do it? 163 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,591 (EXCLAIMING) 164 00:07:41,592 --> 00:07:42,793 Come on! 165 00:07:46,897 --> 00:07:49,969 Oh! Hold your fire, Jim! Hold your fire! What? 166 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,801 It's not angry Pete. 167 00:07:51,802 --> 00:07:53,604 It's a little bunny. 168 00:07:56,006 --> 00:08:00,109 We almost killed a poor, defenseless, little bunny. 169 00:08:00,110 --> 00:08:02,582 How, by throwing candy at it? 170 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,915 I guess we could have given it diabetes. 171 00:08:07,818 --> 00:08:09,559 Sorry I lost it, bro. 172 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:11,961 (EXHALES) That's all right. 173 00:08:11,962 --> 00:08:14,163 Look, these woods can get to you. 174 00:08:14,164 --> 00:08:17,898 Many a man has been known to do weird things out here in the woods. 175 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,971 You know what I'm talking about! 176 00:08:23,273 --> 00:08:25,605 Move. I got to go pee. 177 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:28,578 Fine. I'm gonna take me a little candy break. 178 00:08:28,579 --> 00:08:31,210 Nothing like a brush with death 179 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,284 to put you in the mood for fine English caramel. 180 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:47,296 (CLUCKING) 181 00:08:47,297 --> 00:08:49,298 Andy, will you knock it off? 182 00:08:49,299 --> 00:08:50,831 I'm trying to focus here. 183 00:08:53,764 --> 00:08:55,035 (CLUCKING) 184 00:09:00,871 --> 00:09:02,572 Uh... 185 00:09:02,573 --> 00:09:04,674 Andy, will you stop it? 186 00:09:04,675 --> 00:09:05,916 (MUFFLED) 187 00:09:07,578 --> 00:09:08,949 Andy, enough! 188 00:09:17,187 --> 00:09:18,258 (SCREAMING) 189 00:09:22,593 --> 00:09:25,164 (EXCLAIMING) 190 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,997 Get it! Andy! 191 00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:49,358 Hey, honey! Hi! 192 00:09:49,359 --> 00:09:51,961 What happened? Did you get a turkey? 193 00:09:51,962 --> 00:09:54,964 Yes, I did. I told you I would, and I did. 194 00:09:54,965 --> 00:09:56,926 Wow! 195 00:09:56,927 --> 00:09:59,598 You know, I got to confess, I thought for sure one of you 196 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,070 would come home with an arrow in your butt. 197 00:10:01,071 --> 00:10:02,102 Oh! 198 00:10:03,774 --> 00:10:05,705 So, honey, where's the turkey? 199 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,837 Well, Andy's got it. He's bringing it. And it's a beaut. 200 00:10:07,838 --> 00:10:09,238 He's having it cleaned right now 201 00:10:09,239 --> 00:10:11,841 on their onsite turkey cleaning service. 202 00:10:11,842 --> 00:10:14,945 It's gonna look just like a store-bought turkey. 203 00:10:16,286 --> 00:10:18,617 Well, I got to say, honey, I was wrong. 204 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,050 Hunter! Hunter-gatherer! 205 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,792 You really are a caveman. 206 00:10:22,793 --> 00:10:25,124 That's right! That's right! 207 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,027 Well, Fred and Barney did good. 208 00:10:28,258 --> 00:10:30,359 Come on, sit down. Tell me all about it. 209 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,631 No, no, no, honey, I don't want to sit right now. 210 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,303 You know what? I got all this adrenaline 211 00:10:34,304 --> 00:10:35,935 running through my system from hunting. 212 00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:39,208 This hunter is thirsty! How about a beer! 213 00:10:39,209 --> 00:10:41,771 Well, of course. Anything for my big strong hunter. 214 00:10:41,772 --> 00:10:43,412 I love ya. I love ya. 215 00:10:43,413 --> 00:10:45,015 Breeding later. 216 00:10:49,419 --> 00:10:51,280 How about some chips? 217 00:10:51,281 --> 00:10:53,023 Hey, I'm not married to you. 218 00:10:54,084 --> 00:10:55,325 Fine. Get out. 219 00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,292 What, you want some dip, too? 220 00:11:03,293 --> 00:11:05,896 Yeah. They rhyme for a reason. 221 00:11:07,437 --> 00:11:09,770 Chips, dip! Chips, dip! Chips, dip! 222 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,172 (GROANING) 223 00:11:20,150 --> 00:11:22,311 Oh! 224 00:11:22,312 --> 00:11:26,215 Well, my friend we are good to go. (CHUCKLES) 225 00:11:26,216 --> 00:11:27,416 You got the turkey? 226 00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:29,859 Yeah. And get this. For free. 227 00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:31,190 No kidding! 228 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,794 Yeah. All I had to do was spend $100 on groceries. 229 00:11:34,925 --> 00:11:37,827 There's just one thing, and don't freak out. 230 00:11:37,828 --> 00:11:39,398 (THUD) The bird's frozen. 231 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,871 What? 232 00:11:41,872 --> 00:11:44,303 You got a frozen bird? You got a frozen turkey? 233 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:45,805 What were you thinking? 234 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:48,237 Why do I even bother saying, "Don't freak out"? 235 00:11:48,238 --> 00:11:52,041 Oh, look, it's a butterball holding a turkey. 236 00:11:52,042 --> 00:11:55,314 Wow. How big is that thing? 22 pounds. 237 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:58,017 Yeah, it's plucked, cleaned, and flash frozen 238 00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,820 right there at the place. 239 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,754 They freeze it just so you can thaw it out again? 240 00:12:04,354 --> 00:12:06,095 Yeah. 241 00:12:06,096 --> 00:12:08,297 Because, you know... 242 00:12:08,298 --> 00:12:12,131 It's Indiana. You know them. They freeze everything. 243 00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:15,204 Yep, basketball and freezing stuff. 244 00:12:15,205 --> 00:12:18,337 JIM AND ANDY: Hoosiers. (CHUCKLES) 245 00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,009 Okay, I'm gonna get this thing in the fridge. 246 00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:21,140 Come on, Dana. 247 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,812 What do you want me to do? 248 00:12:22,813 --> 00:12:24,845 I killed today. Don't push me. 249 00:12:27,918 --> 00:12:29,248 Hey! 250 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,220 Maybe we should do this every year. 251 00:12:31,221 --> 00:12:33,502 Oh, I don't know, Cheryl. It's kind of a pain in the butt. 252 00:12:37,187 --> 00:12:38,427 Hello, my son. 253 00:12:38,428 --> 00:12:40,289 Daddy, I made you a cow. 254 00:12:40,290 --> 00:12:42,232 Oh, that's very ni... (EXCLAIMS) 255 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,866 Ahh! Moo! Said the cow! Ahh! 256 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,998 Can we do a horsey ride? 257 00:12:48,999 --> 00:12:50,940 No! Ahh! Neigh, said the horse! 258 00:12:50,941 --> 00:12:52,272 Neigh, said the horse! Ahh! 259 00:12:53,143 --> 00:12:54,403 Jim? 260 00:12:54,404 --> 00:12:56,145 Yes? Yes? What's wrong? 261 00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:57,406 I'm playing with my boy! 262 00:12:57,407 --> 00:12:58,777 Faster, horsey! 263 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,010 Ahh, no, not faster! Oh, you're killing me! 264 00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:03,012 You're killing me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! 265 00:13:03,013 --> 00:13:04,855 Get off me... 266 00:13:05,916 --> 00:13:07,157 Partner. 267 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:13,022 Kyle, honey, why don't you give Daddy a rest, okay? 268 00:13:13,023 --> 00:13:14,524 Thanks, sweetie. 269 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,028 Okay, Jim, what's wrong? 270 00:13:19,029 --> 00:13:20,499 I don't know. 271 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,302 That kid gets on my nerves. 272 00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:26,976 You know, it looks like you're in a lot of pain. 273 00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:28,437 Oh, really? 274 00:13:28,438 --> 00:13:29,909 Is there something you want to tell me? 275 00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:32,442 Cheryl! (MUFFLED SCREAM) 276 00:13:35,485 --> 00:13:39,018 Why do I think that has something to do with the explanation? 277 00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,150 Cheryl! 278 00:13:43,894 --> 00:13:45,055 (CRASH) 279 00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:52,432 Cheryl! There is a pop-up thermometer in the turkey! 280 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:58,037 He bought it at a supermarket. He's a big fat liar. 281 00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,069 Jim? 282 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,075 Okay, you want to know the truth? 283 00:14:05,615 --> 00:14:07,277 Here's the story. 284 00:14:08,418 --> 00:14:10,020 And it's a good story. 285 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:14,553 We're driving. We got the bird in the car. 286 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,186 All of a sudden we run into these creepy hill people, right? 287 00:14:17,187 --> 00:14:19,028 It was either give them the bird, 288 00:14:19,029 --> 00:14:21,591 or the toothless one was gonna make a woman out of Andy. 289 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,035 Right, Andy? 290 00:14:26,036 --> 00:14:28,367 Yeah, yeah, yeah, a woman. 291 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,640 And I wasn't in the mood for that at all. 292 00:14:32,102 --> 00:14:33,642 No, no, no, no. 293 00:14:33,643 --> 00:14:36,076 He'll take whatever he can get. They're lying. 294 00:14:37,908 --> 00:14:40,409 Jim, what happened out there? 295 00:14:40,410 --> 00:14:43,583 You want the truth, right? Okay, here it is. 296 00:14:47,017 --> 00:14:49,459 I got shot in the ass with an arrow. 297 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,421 By Andy! What? 298 00:14:52,422 --> 00:14:55,595 Oh, my God, I knew it, Cheryl! You owe me 10 bucks. 299 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,397 Dana! Andy! 300 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,229 I mean, you should have seen him out there, 301 00:15:00,230 --> 00:15:02,001 goofing around. Oh, Mr. Goofball. 302 00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,273 "I'm having fun with a crossbow." 303 00:15:04,274 --> 00:15:06,936 How could you be so irresponsible? 304 00:15:06,937 --> 00:15:09,478 I'm irresponsible? Yeah, you're a big clod with a crossbow! 305 00:15:09,479 --> 00:15:12,912 I'm not the one who got shot in the butt by a turkey! 306 00:15:15,185 --> 00:15:18,347 Come again? Yeah, yeah, that's right. 307 00:15:18,348 --> 00:15:20,919 Yeah, a turkey pecked at his crossbow 308 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,592 and shot him while he was peeing. 309 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,596 (LAUGHING) 310 00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:30,930 Wait, wait, stop it! 311 00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,262 Jim... 312 00:15:33,263 --> 00:15:36,306 Okay, so you went into the woods to shoot a turkey, 313 00:15:37,267 --> 00:15:38,708 and... and... 314 00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:42,542 And a turkey shot you? 315 00:15:44,574 --> 00:15:48,578 Oh, my God, this year I have so much to be thankful for! 316 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,721 Yeah, go ahead, laugh at my pain. 317 00:15:52,722 --> 00:15:54,523 Very funny. (MOCK LAUGHTER) 318 00:15:54,524 --> 00:15:57,226 Well, I don't have to sit here and watch you laugh. 319 00:15:57,227 --> 00:15:58,957 Why, because you have a booboo on your tushie? 320 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,090 (LAUGHING) 321 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,692 Come on, Dana, that's enough. 322 00:16:03,693 --> 00:16:07,237 Jim's hurting. Let's not make him the butt of our jokes. 323 00:16:09,699 --> 00:16:13,072 Yeah, just the kind of lowbrow humor I'd expect from you guys. 324 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:14,144 Oh! 325 00:16:14,744 --> 00:16:16,605 (CLUCKING) 326 00:16:16,606 --> 00:16:19,479 Ah, Jim, look out! Here comes angry Pete! 327 00:16:26,756 --> 00:16:28,757 Oh, poor baby. 328 00:16:28,758 --> 00:16:31,220 Is the ice helping with the soreness? 329 00:16:31,221 --> 00:16:32,692 No, but you are. 330 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,294 Oh. You know, baby, cheer up. 331 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,496 I'm making six potato dishes for tomorrow night. 332 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,269 One of them is almost all mayonnaise. 333 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:45,504 Cheryl, mayonnaise is not gonna fix it this time. 334 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,477 I know the turkey thing didn't turn out the way you wanted, 335 00:16:48,478 --> 00:16:50,179 but we're still gonna have a great Thanksgiving. 336 00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:53,112 Andy picked out a really nice bird. 337 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,214 Oh. 338 00:16:54,784 --> 00:16:56,246 (KNOCKING) 339 00:17:03,593 --> 00:17:06,256 Hey, anybody out there? 340 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,402 Come on, it's hot in here! 341 00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,409 Ahh... 342 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,478 Hiya, Jimmy! 343 00:17:30,420 --> 00:17:33,183 It's me, angry Pete. 344 00:17:34,624 --> 00:17:38,088 Look at you, the fearless hunter of the woods. 345 00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:41,560 How's your ass, pally? 346 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,433 (LAUGHING) 347 00:17:46,396 --> 00:17:49,738 From now on, loser, get your turkeys at the store 348 00:17:49,739 --> 00:17:52,771 like the rest of the housewives. 349 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:57,206 Meanwhile, I'll still be strutting around those woods 350 00:17:57,207 --> 00:17:59,848 waiting for a real man to shoot me. 351 00:17:59,849 --> 00:18:02,152 (LAUGHING) 352 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,484 Ow, ow, ow! My neck. 353 00:18:06,116 --> 00:18:07,686 I know what you are. 354 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,359 You're nothing but a gas station hot dog 355 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,621 mixed with pain medication. 356 00:18:12,622 --> 00:18:13,623 What? 357 00:18:14,864 --> 00:18:16,295 Nothing. 358 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,597 Andy! 359 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,271 Get your coat and that stupid hat! We're going hunting! 360 00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,873 ANDY: I hate you! 361 00:18:24,874 --> 00:18:27,706 Honey, we already have a turkey. 362 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,608 Yes! We got a store-bought turkey. 363 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,841 And you know who buys store-bought turkeys? 364 00:18:32,742 --> 00:18:33,883 Everybody? 365 00:18:34,884 --> 00:18:36,585 No, losers! 366 00:18:36,586 --> 00:18:38,887 Losers and failures! 367 00:18:38,888 --> 00:18:40,619 You're not a loser or a failure. 368 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,351 You're a good man, 369 00:18:42,352 --> 00:18:44,393 and you take great care of us. 370 00:18:44,394 --> 00:18:46,426 I want to be a caveman! Ow! 371 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,229 Why are we doing this? 372 00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:51,500 I can't explain it. 373 00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:53,733 Mostly because it involves a hallucination. 374 00:18:58,338 --> 00:18:59,708 Come on! 375 00:18:59,709 --> 00:19:01,470 Great. 376 00:19:01,471 --> 00:19:04,673 He's on painkillers, and we're going hunting. 377 00:19:04,674 --> 00:19:08,277 If I don't make it back, the stuff under my bed? 378 00:19:08,278 --> 00:19:09,919 I'm just storing for a friend. 379 00:19:15,525 --> 00:19:17,526 Jim, I'm sorry. 380 00:19:17,527 --> 00:19:19,428 I know you want to keep going, 381 00:19:19,429 --> 00:19:21,390 but you can't hunt in the dark. 382 00:19:21,391 --> 00:19:23,511 Besides, your hill people story really creeped me out. 383 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,894 I can't believe it. 384 00:19:25,895 --> 00:19:27,815 I can't believe we actually got beat by a turkey. 385 00:19:28,498 --> 00:19:30,239 Jim, come on! 386 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,601 It's not just any turkey. It's angry Pete. 387 00:19:32,602 --> 00:19:35,344 You don't get your face on an oven mitt in the gift shop 388 00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:37,546 unless you're a legend. 389 00:19:37,547 --> 00:19:40,509 I know, but I really thought we could do it. 390 00:19:40,510 --> 00:19:42,411 Turns out I'm gonna be just another modern man 391 00:19:42,412 --> 00:19:45,484 eating a store-bought turkey this Thanksgiving. 392 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,387 I want to be a caveman! 393 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,921 (SIGHS) Well, I guess angry Pete was right. 394 00:19:52,662 --> 00:19:53,723 What? 395 00:19:56,426 --> 00:20:00,269 I don't know. He was ragging on me in the kitchen, 396 00:20:00,270 --> 00:20:03,702 talking to me about what a loser and a failure I am. 397 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,374 Stupid turkey. 398 00:20:05,375 --> 00:20:06,806 I hate him, I hate him! 399 00:20:07,437 --> 00:20:08,707 Yeah... 400 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,880 Jim, why don't you pull over and let me do the driving? 401 00:20:11,881 --> 00:20:13,482 I'm fine. No, no, no, you look a little tired. 402 00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:14,883 I'm fine! No, you're gonna kill us! 403 00:20:14,884 --> 00:20:16,615 What are you doing? 404 00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:17,986 (BOTH SCREAMING) 405 00:20:17,987 --> 00:20:19,688 What was that? 406 00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:20,920 What was that? 407 00:20:34,804 --> 00:20:35,865 (SCREAMS) 408 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:37,906 Is that... 409 00:20:37,907 --> 00:20:40,409 That's angry Pete! 410 00:20:40,410 --> 00:20:42,571 I killed angry Pete! 411 00:20:42,572 --> 00:20:46,875 Well, Jim, I think this was more of a traffic accident than a hunting victory. 412 00:20:46,876 --> 00:20:48,877 Andy, I don't care what you call it. 413 00:20:48,878 --> 00:20:52,482 I came out here to get angry Pete, I bagged angry Pete! 414 00:20:53,483 --> 00:20:55,624 Not so angry now, are you, Pete? 415 00:20:55,625 --> 00:20:57,556 I win! I win! 416 00:20:57,557 --> 00:21:00,329 I'm a caveman! I'm a caveman! Ow! 417 00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:01,730 Stitches! 418 00:21:01,731 --> 00:21:03,892 Okay, can we get out of here? 419 00:21:03,893 --> 00:21:06,365 I'm cold and I'm wet. 420 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,438 What the hell happened to you? 421 00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:12,671 That turkey scared the hell out of me. 422 00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:15,644 Let's just throw this roadkill in the back and get out of here. 423 00:21:15,645 --> 00:21:19,348 No, no, no, no. I'm not losing this one. 424 00:21:19,349 --> 00:21:21,650 Pete rides up front with me. 425 00:21:21,651 --> 00:21:23,051 What? 426 00:21:23,052 --> 00:21:24,784 Well, then where am I riding?